


Next To Me

by farquaad



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Era (Phandom), Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 19:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farquaad/pseuds/farquaad
Summary: It’s 2012 and things between Dan and Phil might not be perfect, but they will always be next to each other (in their lives.)based on the song "Next To Me" by Imagine Dragons and also the quote "you're next to me in my life."





	Next To Me

**Author's Note:**

> tw for alcohol, a minor injury and 2012-typical dnp dialogue

> _Something about the way that you walked into my living room_
> 
> _Casually and confident looking at the mess I am_
> 
> _But still you,_
> 
> _Still you want me._
> 
> Phil walked into the lounge to find Dan on the couch. A blanket was wrapped around his body so only his face and the hand he was using to scroll through Tumblr poked out.
> 
> Even though the sight made Phil freeze and tense up for a second, he was at least glad that Dan had ventured out of his room.
> 
> Dan didn’t acknowledge Phil as he walked into the kitchen and started heating up some (questionable at best) leftovers from the fridge.
> 
> “Need anything?” Phil asked.
> 
> Dan still didn’t so much as look up when he heard Phil’s voice. He didn’t even nod or shake his head. He just stared straight at his screen.
> 
> “Don’t ignore me, Dan. Did you already eat?” Phil asked.
> 
> “Yes, Phil,” the boy finally spoke harshly, eyes still not meeting the other’s.
> 
> Phil mumbled something under his breath that Dan didn’t hear and didn’t care to. As soon as the microwave beeped, telling Phil that his meal was ready, he took it out and scampered back to his room.
> 
> As Phil was walking away, Dan finally looked up. Phil wasn’t aware of this action, but Dan certainly was, and that was something.
> 
> Dan heard Phil’s door close and, for a split second, allowed himself to think that Phil cared. Phil asked if he had eaten, asked if he needed anything.
> 
> The thought left Dan’s mind as soon as it entered, and he slammed his laptop shut.
> 
> _Stress lines and cigarettes,_
> 
> _Politics and deficits,_
> 
> _Late bills and overages,_
> 
> _Screaming and hollering._
> 
> _But still you, still you want me._
> 
> “What  _is it_  with you lately?” Dan asked Phil. The question was stupid. Both of them had been acting weird and different lately. Phil had been really reserved towards Dan, like he had 100-foot walls up, but now he was lashing out and acting angrily.
> 
> “What? So you’re allowed to treat me like shit and I’m just supposed to keep taking it?” Phil snapped. Dan almost jumped at both the bitterness in his voice and the fact that Phil cursed at him.
> 
> Dan let out a huff, but other than that, remained silent.
> 
> Dan was in Phil’s room, bringing up the dreaded topic of filming PINOF 4. Phil had been really rude and snappy and Dan quite frankly didn’t know how to take it.
> 
> After a long moment of silence, Dan spoke up. “Look, if you want to start acting like an adult then you know where to find me. But I’m not going to deal with you acting like this.”
> 
> Dan was about to turn around and leave when Phil’s voice stopped him. “The only thing I’m acting like is  _you.”_
> 
> Those words could have easily been something Phil didn’t really mean and just said because he was angry, but Dan had a feeling it was so much more than that.
> 
> Maybe it was his own guilt gnawing away at him, or maybe it was the ugly truth behind Phil’s words, but Dan found himself swallowing a lump in his throat.
> 
> He took in the sight of the man in front of him. The slight, yet everpresent frown on Phil’s stubble-ridden face, the lines that had formed on his forehead from all the stress and built-up anger. Dan saw the tiredness and brokenness in his eyes, and the dark circles under them.
> 
> Sure, he had seen these things in Phil before - especially as of late - just around the flat. But this was the first time Dan really  _saw them,_ saw how his actions affected the person he cared for the most. He saw what he was doing to Phil, how he hurt him, and it broke his heart.
> 
> “Phil, I…”
> 
> “Just go away, Dan,” Phil replied coolly. He sunk down on his bed until he was on his side, back turned to the chocolate-haired boy.
> 
> Dan hung his head and left the room, closing the door behind him quietly. He let the tears well up in his eyes as he kept repeating  _I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Phil_ to himself in his head.
> 
> _Oh, I always let you down,_
> 
> _You’re shattered on the ground,_
> 
> _But I still find you there_
> 
> _Next to me._
> 
> Everything had become too much for Dan. Denying rumors and his sexuality constantly was overwhelming. He hardly ever even wanted to look at social media anymore. And now people started to bring his family into it. It was too much.
> 
> He didn’t know how things got the way they were, he just knew that they were this way.
> 
> Every time he and Phil got into an argument, he would storm to his room and immediately replay it over and over in his head and regret everything.
> 
> He would hear the harshness of his words and see the pained expression on Phil’s face and instantly feel bad and guilty. Because Phil was his best friend, who had been more than that at one point, and the last thing he ever truly wanted to do was hurt him.
> 
> When the tears formed in his eyes, Dan didn’t fight them. He welcomed them, curled up on his bed and sobbing now, only trying to muffle his noises for Phil’s sake.
> 
> “Dan, did you - oh…” said Phil as he came into Dan’s room without knocking only to be faced with a tear-ridden Dan.
> 
> “Go, please,” Dan managed to say weakly.
> 
> “Are you -”
> 
> “I said  _go,_ Phil!” Dan yelled. Phil sighed and nodded, backing out of the room.
> 
> And just like he did every time he raised his voice at Phil, Dan regretted it.
> 
> _And, oh the stupid things I do_
> 
> _I’m far from good, it’s true_
> 
> _But still I find you_
> 
> _Next to me_
> 
> “How did we get like this?” Phil suddenly blurted out.
> 
> Neither of them knew exactly why they were here, in the corner of a Starbucks together. Neither of them  _wanted_ to be here. The coffee had been long forgotten about and was probably cold as each of them waited for the other to say the first words.
> 
> “I don’t know, Phil,” said Dan with an irritated sigh.
> 
> “I just… I want things to be okay again. Or, even if they’re not, I just - I don’t want  _this_ ,” Phil spoke.
> 
> “Is that why we’re here?” Dan asked. “For old-times sake? Nostalgia?”
> 
> “No. We’re here because I barely see you. You don’t talk to me. Not the way you used to.”
> 
> “Things are never going to be the way they used to be, Phil! Can’t you see that? We both made stupid decisions and now we have to live with them,” Dan deadpanned.
> 
> Phil supposed Dan was right. He was chasing a pipe dream that would never happen. He made his bed, he should lay in it. Dan was gone and Phil was never going to have him back.
> 
> They remained silent after that, staring off into different directions to avoid each other’s eyes and listened to the rain as it poured from the sky and pitter-pattered on the window of the Starbucks.
> 
> Lord only knows how long they stayed like that, but Phil got fed up with the quiet and once again was the first to speak. “Do you just want to move out?”
> 
> Dan was taken aback. The sentence that left Phil’s mouth sounded tired and exasperated; it seemed as though he really didn’t want Dan to move out but would do whatever he could to make Dan happy.
> 
> “I mean… do you want me to?”
> 
> “That’s not what I said.”
> 
> “Then why would you suggest it?”
> 
> “Because, Dan! You said it yourself. We’re never going to be the same again! You seem miserable and mad at me all the time, and I’m tired of being stuck in this in-between. We’re not friends but we’re not completely done with each other, either, and I… I don’t know. Nevermind.”
> 
> “I’ll move out if you want me to,” Dan said, his voice breaking.
> 
> “Dan, I… that’s not what I want,” Phil admitted.
> 
> “Good, then,” was all Dan said before standing up and throwing away his untouched cup of coffee.
> 
> _There’s something about the way that you always see the pretty view,_
> 
> _Overlook the blooded mess,_
> 
> _Always looking effortless._
> 
> _But still you, still you want me._
> 
> Phil fucked up.
> 
> At least, he felt like he did.
> 
> In reality, it shouldn’t have even been that big of a deal. He and Dan were making dinner together, albeit in stony silence, for the first time in forever. They both gave enough of a shit to put their issues aside to compile a supper made up of the things in the fridge and pantry that would soon go bad.
> 
> Phil was chopping up some bell peppers for the half-assed stirfry they were making. He got distracted and ended up accidentally cutting his finger.
> 
> “Ow!” Phil hissed, not even fully realizing that he had said that out loud.
> 
> Dan spun around and faced Phil. The action alone made Phil flinch and Dan hadn’t even spoken yet. It wasn’t the first time Dan blew up over something small like a cut finger or a broken dish.
> 
> “What did you do now, Phil?” Dan asked. Annoyance was evident in his voice. The joking, light-heartedness that the phrase once held was now gone and replaced with a tone that made Phil feel like nothing more than a fuck up and a burden.
> 
> “Nothing, it’s fine,” Phil rushed out, not wanting to make a scene or start an argument.
> 
> Dan looked like he almost bought it, but his eye caught the trickling blood coming from the small slice on the tip of Phil’s left index finger.
> 
> “I can’t believe how clumsy you are,” Dan sighed, stopping what he was doing.
> 
> “Sorry,” Phil whimpered. Phil set the knife down and wrapped a paper towel around his finger.
> 
> “At least properly clean it,” Dan scolded. Phil took that as another way for Dan to put him down, another example of how he can’t do anything right.
> 
> But Phil’s assumption about the intention behind what Dan said was wrong. Dan said that out of a place of love and adoration, wanting Phil to take care of himself. The fact that Phil was hurt, even if it was just a small cut, made his own heart hurt.
> 
> “Sorry,” Phil said again. He didn’t really know what else to do to make Dan happy, so he just stood there. Luckily, Dan didn’t expect the other to do anything because he had taken Phil gently by the wrist and unwrapped the paper towel from his finger. He ran the tap and guided Phil’s hand under the cool water, then prepared a plaster to stick on.
> 
> The action made Phil feel like a bit of a baby, or like Dan thought he couldn’t take care of himself. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to complain because that was the first time he and Dan had made any sort of physical contact in much too long.
> 
> _I got no innocence,_
> 
> _Faith ain’t no privilege,_
> 
> _I am a deck of cards,_
> 
> _Vice or game of hearts,_
> 
> _And still you, still you want me_
> 
> It was tearing Dan up inside.
> 
> He thought back to the conversation he had with Phil in the corner of that Starbucks. God, that must have been more than a month ago.
> 
> He, too wanted things to go back to the way they were. And yet Dan had chastized Phil for admitting the same.
> 
> Dan, of course, would never admit how this whole thing left him feeling so empty and broken. How he missed the light-hearted laughs and the gentle brushing of fingertips whenever he would toss and turn from deep thoughts entering his mind much too late at night.
> 
> He missed Phil - missed hearing him laugh and ramble on about something he read on Wikipedia. Dan would give anything to change the way things were, and yet every time he opened his mouth he managed to fuck things up even more.
> 
> As the thoughts in his brain pounded against his skull, Dan decided he’s had enough. So he got up off the floor of his room and walked right out the front door, slamming it behind him. He walked to the liquor store with nothing on him but a few pounds and his jacket, his phone left behind somewhere in his room.
> 
> Once he got to the store, he bought a bottle of whiskey. It normally wasn’t his drink of choice, but it would do the job.
> 
> Soon enough, Dan arrived home. He went straight to his room, not even bothering to toe off his shoes or shrug off his jacket. He plopped back down onto the same spot on the floor he had previously sat on and opened the bottle. The boy downed as much as he could before the burn in his throat got to be too much.
> 
> As he drank mouthful after mouthful of the alcohol, Dan thought more about Phil. Dan figured it was easier to be mad at Phil and shut him out instead of facing the truth. Because truth be told, Dan was hurt.
> 
> And he would much rather be angry at Phil and drink away his problems than risk getting hurt once again.
> 
> Dan didn’t know when the tears formed in his eyes, but he wasn’t necessarily surprised when they arrived. They fell out of his eyes easily, and he cried silently and sobbed dryly as he drank himself into a hole of self-pity.
> 
> —
> 
> When the brown-haired man awoke, he was confused. He was on the floor fully clothed - even his shoes and socks were still on - and he was wrapped in a blanket. That was weird.
> 
> Then the headache came. Dan quickly noticed the bottle of whiskey that someone had recapped and placed within his range of sight but definitely out of reach. He didn’t remember doing that.
> 
> He sat up and tried to make sense of everything that happened last night. He realized that Phil must have come in and helped him out. That just made Dan feel pathetic.
> 
> Phil probably saw his tear-stained cheeks and the bottle in his hand and took pity on him. In fact, knowing Phil, he probably tried to move Dan onto the bed. But Dan was quite tall, and thus quite heavy. Nevertheless, Dan appreciated Phil’s actions just the same.
> 
> Dan unwrapped himself from the blanket and crawled over to the abandoned bottle of alcohol to see just how much he had to drink last night. He was a bit queezy and had quite the headache.
> 
> When he reached the bottle, he noticed a different bottle behind it. It was a bottle of painkillers.
> 
> Dan smiled as he picked them up and read the note on the sticky Phil had stuck to the container of pills.
> 
> “Hope you feel better :) xx”
> 
> And just like he had so many months ago, Dan allowed himself to think to himself that maybe, just maybe Phil still cared. But this time, he didn’t usher those thoughts away.
> 
> _So thank you for taking a chance on me,_
> 
> _I know it isn’t easy,_
> 
> _But I hope to be worth it._
> 
> It was just under a week since Dan’s drinking incident. Neither of them had brought it up. Although, none of them had done much talking at all since that day.
> 
> To be completely honest, Dan was a bit embarrassed. And to be completely honest, Phil understood Dan’s pain and why he had done what he did. Phil had felt like doing that very same thing many times, so he wasn’t one to judge.
> 
> But now the two were in the kitchen. Phil had just woken up and was pouring himself some coffee while still in his pajamas and Dan was eating cereal at the table.
> 
> Once Phil had his caffeine in his mug, he went to leave the kitchen, making it evident that he would much rather drink his coffee in his room than at the table with Dan.
> 
> “Wait, Phil,” Dan said, and so Phil stopped. Stopped might not be the right word. Phil froze. He turned around in place and looked at Dan, raising an eyebrow.
> 
> “You know how you said that you wished things were the way they used to be?” Dan asked. Phil nodded.
> 
> “Well, I do, too. And, I dunno. You’re my best friend, Phil, and I don’t want to lose that.” Dan’s voice was quiet and maybe a bit timid, so Phil nodded for him to go on.
> 
> “I don’t even really know where to start, but maybe… maybe we can change. For the better. And… and work through this,” Dan got out weakly.
> 
> Phil sat down at the table across from Dan and took the other boy’s hand in his. With a smile, he said, “I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in August of 2018. I forgot how much this sucked but I'm putting it on here anyway. if you could spare a comment or a kudo for a peasant writer, that would be much appreciated. also, if you feel like reblogging this on tumblr to help my fics get discovered, you can do so by [clicking here](https://farquaadphilly.tumblr.com/post/176891363643/next-to-me)


End file.
